Got my mojo working!

About two or three years ago, I fell into a black hole with my writing.

I don’t really know what triggered it. I just started to feel as if I was not good enough to try to write and sell books for a living, and that I would probably never be good enough. I tried talking myself out of it, but that black pit of despair just got deeper. I actually had to stop editing one day because the thought came to me out of nowhere “What if I don’t want to do this anymore?” (Spoiler alert, I do, and a couple writing friends talked me down when it happened. Whew! Thanks, Terry and James!)

Three things happened. I asked the universe for some help, because I am a spiritual-type person who believes that the universe will look out for me, especially if I ask.

The universe replied by first sending me a suggestion for a podcast called “Unfuck Your Brain.” I had asked for a neon pink sign of what to do, and the podcast’s logo art was, in fact, neon pink. So. I started listening to that, which was the first step. It helped, but I still felt like my writing was not as great as I wanted it to be.

Second, I got wrapped up in the Good Omens fandom. I started writing fan theories, and people started reading them and liking them and saying that I was their favorite theorist. That was a huge boost. It didn’t happen all at once, or in a few weeks, it took several months, but the more I did, the more people liked it and the more I began to see that I am a pretty decent writer. (I do realize there have been some troubling allegations against Neil Gaiman recently, and while I am upset by them, I came to the conclusion that what I’ve learned from Good Omens is still mine to keep and use as I wish. His bad behavior does not invalidate my growth.)

Third and last, I started listening to a podcast called “Ologies,” which is a podcast all about science and interviews with people who study various -ologies. I just like science. The host has brought up more than once that she was very insecure about starting this podcast, how she thought she wasn’t good enough. But it’s been going since 2017 and her listeners love her. Almost all of the ologists that she interviews have said similar things about their own career paths — that they came from a poor background, they didn’t set out to study what they wound up studying, they thought they weren’t good enough to get far in what they were interested in, they didn’t realize they could do what they’re doing. It’s all very uplifting as well as entertaining and educational.

The Ologies host also interviewed a sports psychologist who said that people who are bad at what they do don’t get imposter syndrome. The host said, “Remember kids, if you have imposter syndrome, you’re probably pretty good at what you do.” And it occurred to me that I had some hard-core imposter syndrome. Not from any amazing success, but just the repeating idea “who am I to write books and expect people to read them?? I’m no one!” My previous work with Unfuck Your Brain and Good Omens made that realization stick. If Ologies had come first, I probably would have ignored that information entirely or just noted it as interesting instead of applying it to my life.

The universe provides.

On the Unfuck Your Brain podcast, the host teaches about the “thought ladder.” That your thoughts create your reality, so choosing your thoughts to reflect the reality you want will change your reality. Not in a woo-woo way, in a real, concrete, you-only-experience-what-your-brain-thinks-you-should-experience kind of way. But going from “I hate myself” to “I love myself” is too big a jump for any brain to make. You can think it, but you won’t believe it. You have to slowly level yourself up from the one to the other, by deliberately thinking slowly less horrible and more kind thoughts.

At the start of my journey to get my mojo working, I was thinking, “I’m totally not good enough, I’m never going to make it” and I wanted to think, “My writing is awesome, people will love my stories.” That thought seemed so far away from what I could believe. There were many steps on the ladder to go from the one thought to the other.

Yesterday, the thought came unbidden: “I’m pretty good at this. My writing is awesome.” And it felt really good.

Hot damn!

Got my mojo working!