More procrastination.

So I haven’t been here in a while — sorry!

I finished up my final edits on “In the Dark,” and while I’m waiting for my beta readers to get back to me (yes, still :(), I COULD be formatting my manuscript for upload onto the various ebook websites.

But I’m not.

I’m kind of freaking out over doing that. First of all, it’s very techie, and if you hadn’t noticed by the plainness of this blog, I am not a techie girl. If something works, I leave it the hell alone, because I will almost certainly screw it up trying to make it fancier. I have some step-by-step instructions for formatting my manuscript, but I do not understand them. I can certainly save a back-up of my manuscript, so that I don’t blow it all to hell and fall weeping to the floor. But it’s not so much about that as the fact that I know I will screw it up, and this will be a long, drawn out project of frustration and tears. And lots of “okay, that didn’t work. I’ll start over.”

Maybe not. But probably.

Reason number two? Hm. Argh.

I’m scared.

Not to get too psychologically involved here, but when people read my work, the first thing they ask about why I’m not published is “are you afraid of success?” That’s a ridiculous question, I think. Okay, so my writing’s good. Pretty good, even. How many kajillions of other people in the world are also “pretty good?” Right. Kajillions. And those people, while I love them as my bretheren-in-ink, are my direct competitors. The editors and readers in the world have a LOT of choices. I think if people know about me, they’ll give me a whirl, but how in the world can I attract attention to myself among the hundreds of other flag-wavers trying to get the same attention? Especially if I’m only “pretty good?” I have to be STELLAR. And have a bigger, more colorful flag than anyone else. Am I that good? Only one way to find out. And how will I feel if the answer is “no?” Shitty, that’s how!

I’m procrastinating doing the techie side of things because that’s getting to a pretty final stage of preparation. Then I have to register the copyright and start applying as an author to these websites. Then I upload the thing and send it off into the world. If it doesn’t meet with immediate success, I won’t be surprised, but I will be a little hurt. If it starts picking up steam after a while and goes okay, I will be gratified. If it sits and sits and sits, I will be mortified.

All of the choices I have made in my life have centered around the goal of becoming a novelist. I didn’t go to college but decided to just read books, take workshops, and write. I could start my own business doing several things, but have decided not to because it would take too much time away from writing. If this fails, my life fails.

That’s what I’m scared of.

As they say, if you don’t try, failure is assured.

I’m off to work on formatting my novel.