Word nerdiness.

I am the biggest word nerd. Maybe not in the whole world, but in a general sense.

This has its pros and cons.

I like to read the dictionary. I usually try to keep a mental list of words I need to look up instead of pulling the dictionary right out every time I come across one, because once I open that giant red book, I’m gone for an hour or so. I find joy in coming across words I didn’t know, or getting a better picture of something I’ve heard or read, or just finding a new way to say something.

However, it leaves me cringing when people mangle proper English. Sometimes I can keep my mouth shut, and sometimes I have to say something. But ladies and gentlemen, I DO judge you based on things you misuse or mispronounce.

Them. That’s an often-misused word that drives me up a tree. As in, “Oh, look, it’s Kyle and them guys.” Aaaaargh! No, it ain’t!

Borrow. I used to botch this one, and then one day I caught myself and stopped, and now I want to choke people who ask if I will borrow them a CD or book.

Would of/could of. I kill you. This one is mostly written, since in conversation it sounds like would’ve/could’ve, but I can sort of hear the difference, and sometimes people emphasize it. Then they die.

Usage. Verbage. Anything with “age” tacked on to make it sound more professional. There are already words that mean those things! The extra syllable doesn’t sound professional, it sounds fucking stupid! Stop it!

Orientate. OMG. That’s not a fucking word. You attend an orientation to become ORIENTED. If you are lost, you might use a compass to ORIENT yourself. Just because schools offer orientation does not mean that extra bit always goes in the word, and you don’t sound smarter using it stupidly. Grrr.

Boughten. Gag. Buy, bought, bought. NOT buy, bought, boughten. The same as walk, walked, walked. NOT walk, walked, walken. Why do people screw the one up, but not the other? Proper and improper nouns and verbs shift back and forth all the time, and I really hope this isn’t one that takes. Take, took, taken, NOT take, took, tooken, BTW.

I really hate when I mispronounce words I’ve only read and have extropolated the meaning of and so haven’t looked up in the dictionary. I try not to use them in public until I’ve sorted the pronounciation, but every now and then I slip one out and cringe when the person I’m talking to catches it. Haphazard (I thought the p and h made an f sound), Cacophony (I put the accent on the first syllable), and Non-sequiter (Just plain mangled that one) are my most embarrassing moments. *Blush*

I also hate when other writers or language mavens (or supposed language mavens, i.e. people trying to impress the writer by dusting off dead rules) hang onto dead words or dead uses. Like ain’t. I’ve had a few people tell me you aren’t supposed to use it. Ever. At all. Bullshit! It’s a real word with a real meaning. You can’t replace every isn’t or aren’t with ain’t, that’s just dumb. But it is a real word and not only do people use it, it has unique context that suits certain situations. See above.

Them again, but meaning “A person of indetirminate gender” this time. As in “when a person doesn’t want to do a thing, you can’t force them.” Technically, you’ve changed meaning there, from one person to many. But I hate, hate, HATE the “him” default, and even though it is a bit of a rant, I will tell you why.

When I was a kid, my mom gave me some books about reproduction. On the very first page of the very first book, there was a polite explanation that referring to a baby as “it” seemed heartless, so all infants in the books would be referred to as “him” because no better alternative existed as of this writing, no offense meant to female readers. I read that when I was about seven or eight, and it made my blood boil. Why the FUCK couldn’t they have used “her” and apologized to male readers? Huh? Huh? I was a little steamed up about not being able to join Cub Scouts at the time and having joined Brownies, found that the girl version of Scouts was lame-ass. It still makes me pissed as hell.

I don’t understand why “them” can’t be a viable alternative. So the meaning shifts from “many” to “many, or one person whose gender is unknown, as per context.” Big damn deal. Word meanings shift all the time. Get over it. How many Shakespearean plays do we have to look at these days and say “Oh, in those days, these words meant such and so, therefore the meaning is this, not what you at first think”? Like, all of them. Whatever. At the very least, use “her” to refer to random example people. At least sometimes.

Other words I wish people would let go:

Lighted. This is one of those proper-to-improper shifts I mentioned. Lit sounds more correct to my ear. My grandmother has corrected me. I suppose to her it sounds like boughten does to me.

Whom. Where do you even use this word? I’ve looked the proper use up a few times, only to forget shortly after. Who is just fine, thanks.

Double negatives. Used excessively, they do sound stupid. But for ocassional emphasise, they add something. Mostly in speaking or dialogue, in narrative they sound kind of dumb. Like the narrator is dumb.

Filler words also drive me bananas.

Whatever. As in, “So I was at the mall, or whatever?” Well, were you or not?

Like. “I was all like, holy crap! And she was like, yeah!” “I was, like, on Facebook? And I, like, saw my friend’s, like, status? And it was like, single, and I thought he was like, dating someone. Or whatever.” Die.

I’ve used the odd filler word myself, I cannot lie, but when it gets to be half of your statement, or attached to every statement you make, it’s too damn much.  I don’t care if it’s Oh my God or You know or Totally. Use sparingly. PLEASE.

I could probably go on for quite a bit longer if I tried, but not everyone is amused by copious bitching, so I will stop here.

Or whatever.