I just found out that my next-door neighbor is dying.
She has cancer. It hasn’t responded to any of the chemo or radiation the oncologists have tried. But the last round destroyed her kidneys. They were forced to stop treatment or they would destroy her kidneys entirely. She’s been in and out of the hospital for related problems. It’s boiled down to late stage kidney disease, get dialysis or die, but the cancer isn’t responding to treatment and will eventually kill her, and kidney disease is an easier way to go than cancer. I’m not sure if she will get dialysis for a while or if she will refuse right away. I’m not sure how much time she actually has. I doubt it’s long.
I like her. She and her husband invited me and my husband in for drinks shortly after we first moved in, and we all hit it off right away. They’re my kind of people. When she got sick, she hired me to come over and help her keep house, and we’ve gotten even closer. She’s become a very dear friend. She is smart, she’s hilarious, she’s interesting, and she’s a very good listener. I have spent hours just jabbering away with her.
This is rough. I made my peace with death a long time ago, including the fickle nature with which it hits people. It’s not fair, but it’s part of life, and it’s true. People who don’t deserve to get sick get sick. People who don’t deserve to die young do. It stinks, but railing against it only harms yourself. You do nothing to stop it. And I think perhaps you delay your own ability to grieve and begin to heal.
I don’t have a lot of experience with death. My uncle passed away from cancer when I was in my early thirties. He was a great guy, but we were never terribly close. The cancer gave us a chance to get to know each other a bit before he went. I’m kind of glad, because I don’t know if I would have ever made the effort otherwise, and he was a neat guy. My grandmother’s two closest friends have passed. Her brother, a great-uncle I never knew well but who played Santa Clause for years at our local mall. Several of my pets have passed away, which is always hard, but in a different way. Not less, just different. I haven’t lost many people.
Several things are happening in my head at the moment. One of the big ones is this:
My neighbor is my mother’s age. Not old. By any means. When she was diagnosed with cancer, she went into it with full confidence that she would win. The cancer is not killing her – yet – the chemo is. She did not realize she would have to fight the chemo as well. I think we all expected her to come out of it, but she’s not. Now her only choice in life is how she dies.
People say that death can come at any time, or that life is short and you should make the most of it. There’s a TED talk about the top five regrets of the dying and steps you can take to not have those regrets. Good stuff. True stuff. Some people take it really seriously. But I think until you are looking at end-of-life choices right in front of you, unless you are agreeing to take your neighbor’s pets when she’s gone and knowing that will probably be within a few months, you just don’t know. You don’t see it. How many of us have lost people at too young an age? Not many, any more. In a world of sanitation and healthcare, lots of people only get sick and die when they’re old, and it’s peaceful. We don’t see too many accidents or deaths in childbirth or sudden illnesses that destroy loved ones before our eyes. We’re quite safe, a lot, and I think we bank on that safety. We don’t take risks. We don’t live life to the fullest. We don’t work towards dreams or let the housework go or stop worrying about how fat we are or how silly we look playing as grown adults. We go on, properly, calmly, within the rules, and we don’t realize that we could die quite soon, never having done what we most wanted to do.
I thought I was prepared. If I die tomorrow, would I have regrets? Well, yes. I would regret not quitting my shitty day job and giving my all to my writing and other artistic endeavors. If I did that, and it failed and I had to get another shitty day job, I would have at least tried. If I did it and it succeeded, I would be over the moon. But if I don’t do it, and I’m scared, and I get cancer tomorrow that eventually leaves my kidneys failing and my choices down to how I want to die and where, I will have spent my time here working a job I hated being too scared to do what I wanted. And then my chance and my time will be gone.
Death comes to all of us. Live to 30 or live to 103, you will die. Maybe all you want in life is a good marriage and a nice house and some kids and a job that lets you have those things. Maybe you want to be an artist. Maybe you want to visit all the national parks in the country, or you want to climb a mountain. Maybe you want to own a giant snake.
Whatever is stopping you, please. Let it go.
We are all in free fall. Life has very little to do with many of the choices we make for ourselves. Control is an illusion. We are organic creatures that come to an end, sooner or later. And even if you fail, you can at least look back on your life and say you tried.
My husband is taking our neighbor to a doctor’s appointment today, and he will ask her if there’s anything she’d like to do while she still has the strength. We intend to help her make it happen, whatever it is, even if it’s just a wheelchair ride through a forest.
I hope it’s enough.
