That’s a good feeling, and one I forget a lot.
I think that’s an artist thing, too — or maybe a writer thing. Forgetting to be proud of your accomplishments. Feeling like a little bit of a failure all the time. I guess my dance friends and music friends and acting friends and painting friends don’t have this feeling like maybe what they’re doing isn’t worthwhile, vaguely, in the back of their minds all the time. Maybe they do, but if so, they haven’t mentioned it. My writer friends, though, yes. All of us have moments of deep doubt and insecurity. Has this been done before? Is it trite? Is it cliched? Is it as cool on paper as it was in my head? Is this really the right word? Will anyone still like this when they go back and re-read it? Will I? I think it’s a writer thing.
When I stop to look at how much I’ve improved over the years as a writer, my first reaction is invariably embarrassment over how proud I was of the crap I turned out twenty years ago — but really, I wasn’t proud at that time. I was nervous as hell and uncertain. I still am, but I’m more certain that I know how to write shit tons better now than I did twenty years ago.
So I wanted to take a moment to celebrate that, to celebrate improvement, and to not worry so much about how short my current work falls. It falls a lot less short than it used to. That’s awesome! When I go back and read my old work and then jump forward to read what I’m writing now, it’s like a breath of fresh air. That’s awesome!
I’ve worked hard on my writing for years. I have always tried to not write in a vacuum (as much as the vacuum has tried to suck me in), and I’ve spent a lot of time getting critiques from people with jobs in writing, taking workshops, reading other writers’ work, both pro and friends who are trying to pass composition classes, and look! All my work has paid off! I don’t know how much, but it clearly has paid off. I am a genuinely better writer. 10%? 50%? 200%? I don’t know, but it’s improvement.
That’s awesome!
Now you. Take a moment. Stop worrying about how good what you’re doing is and realize that you are better than you used to be. Pat yourself on the back. Realize that by continuing on, you will be better tomorrow than you were today.
That’s fucking awesome!
